Conviction

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 “I pray you in your letters,

 When you shall these unlucky deeds relate,

 Speak of me as I am. Nothing extenuate,

 Nor set down aught in malice. Then must you speak

 Of one that loved not wisely, but too well;”

- Shakespeare’s Othello

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     Ellie arrived home early from work one afternoon. Her heels click-clacked on the cement floor of the parking garage while she walked to the elevator door. She juggled in her arms a tote bag, lunch box, water bottle, groceries, keys, and a wallet. She pressed the “up” arrow with her elbow and swore under her breath when her bag slid from her shoulder, pulling her hair and knocking against a few of the grocery bags. It was the type of annoyance that made her upset, even though it was a minor inconvenience in reality. 

     She heaved the bag back up onto her shoulder. Their apartment was on the fourth floor. The elevator door closed so painstakingly slow that Ellie let out a heavy breath to calm herself. Her arms burned from carrying everything. “Why do I always have to pee when I get in the elevator?” She asked herself. She fixed her brunette curls in the silver-walled reflection before her. She shifted from one foot to the other. Finally the door pulled open, and Ellie rushed out. 

     She strained to keep everything from falling. Ellie turned the corner and found it in her to awkwardly press the four digit code to unlock the apartment door. She looked like a t-rex trying to navigate the code with limited arm movements. She pushed the door open with her leg and dropped the groceries on the floor inside. 

    Ellie kicked off her shoes in the entryway and immediately unzipped her blue dress that pressed too tight against her stomach. The dress used to be her favorite thing to wear, but now it just felt uncomfortable. She hated having to suck in her stomach whenever she wore anything cute nowadays. “It’s not that bad. Just a little extra to love,” she reminded herself. 

       Her therapist wanted her to practice positive thoughts, and so she tried. She kept thinking, “Today is Friday. Friday means cooking a nice meal, staying up late snuggling and watching movies.” 

     She flung her keys into a small bowl on a slender table to her right. Even though Ellie would have rather ordered in, (She never felt like cooking after a long work week.), she wanted to surprise her fiance when he got home. The great thing about being a teacher was getting off an hour before everyone else, and today it wasn’t even 4 p.m. yet.

     The entryway opened up to the kitchen on the left and the living room beyond it. They split the furnishings 50/50: the white plush couch, the cream-color coffee table and t.v. stand… everything. Rather than the apartment feeling stale like a doctor’s office, as one might think with all that cream and white, Ellie’s touch rather made it feel clean, cozy, and fresh. 

     She walked between the kitchen and living room into a short hallway. When she got to their room, Ellie changed out of her blue dress. The apartment offered a decent, spacious closet, and she couldn’t lie that this was a selling point for her. Ellie changed into a comfortable cotton shirt and a pair of athleisure pants, underneath she wore a surprise for Jack. 

     Ellie gazed at herself in the mirror and frowned at her curvaceous figure. She didn’t feel confident no matter how many positive phrases she spewed at herself. Ellie blew out a long breath before looking at her phone. She still had more than enough time to cook the parmesan crusted chicken and penne alla vodka. Once back in the kitchen, she popped a bottle of red wine she found on discount at the store, started playing a mix of indie and folk music over the Bluetooth speaker and began on dinner. 

     She had been wedding planning for most of the year, and now she needed to figure out a honeymoon. She coated the chicken breasts in the runny eggs. “This is disgusting," she thought. “Maybe a honeymoon at a beach resort would be nice. That’s usually what newly married couples do, right?” 

     She set the chicken in the pan and slid with her socks across the hardwood floor to refill her glass. Then Ellie walked over to the small space they reserved for their dining table and began placing candles in the center and two placemats across from each other.  

     Ellie looked up at the living room. It was as though a fog that smelled of cooked poultry and spices covered the whole apartment. The chicken! She rushed back to the pan and turned over the chicken just in time before it got too burnt. “Okay, lesson learned,” she thought, “I’m going to just cover that now.” She put a lid over the pan before rushing towards the windows on the other side of the living room. 

     The fresh evening air relieved Ellie’s lungs of the chicken smog. She felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. The polite, robotic voice of the Bluetooth speaker repeated: “HEY babe, I JUST got DONE with WORK but I HAVE to HELP my MOM with GROcerIES. REPLY?”  

     “Say, No worries. See you soon. Exclamation point,” Ellie shouted at the speaker. “At least it will give me more time to air out the apartment,” she considered. “I should make brownies for the movie later too.” She felt the music now, and lifted up onto her tiptoes, grooving and side-stepping back towards the kitchen. She pulled brownie mix from their pantry and stirred in the ingredients, all the time letting herself sway along to the upbeat, lyrical tune of the music. Her glass emptied, and she poured herself another, very full serving.  

     The brownies had gone in and out of the oven. Ellie had washed and dried every dish she used to cook their meal. Still, no Jack. The empty bottle stood on their kitchen island and served as a reminder of how much time had passed. She no longer danced, but instead sat curled up on the sofa like a moping house cat with her phone in one hand. Her chin rested on her elbow, and her elbow on the arm rest. She reached the point in her alcohol consumption where a deep depression penetrated her heart, and the liquor that before made her night fun, now heightened her sadness. 

     How did getting groceries for his mother turn into a three hour event? At first, she was concerned. Then he texted her to say he ran into an old family friend, apologized, said his mother wanted to get dinner and he couldn’t leave his mother by herself, etcetera, etcetera. Ellie knew she was welcome to dinner without him having to extend the invite, but she couldn’t drive in her condition. 

     Ellie texted back, “okay.” She specifically included a period so Jack would know she wasn’t happy. Should she have made the “okay” even more petty? She could have written, “ok” or “k.” Then he would have definitely gotten the hint. The lock turned and Ellie looked around at the kitchen and dining table. She never bothered to take away the plates filled with cold food or blow out the candles on top of the nicely set table. Ellie wanted him to see all the work she had put into their night. She wanted him to feel bad.  

     She didn’t bother to get up either when Jack came through the door. Ellie just stared at him on the sofa, like a prowling house cat drearily evaluating a guest. Jack dropped his backpack from his shoulders before looking up. He wore the attire of an entry-level accountant: a grey polo and black business pants that doubled as golf attire if he needed to play a round. Finally, his eyes turned up to his future wife alone on the couch and the dinner prepared just for him. Taking off his jacket, he sighed slowly. 

     “El, I didn’t know you had dinner planned…” he rubbed his whole face, then ran a hand through his thick, sandy hair. 

     Jack looked at Ellie, as though he was unsure if this seemingly harmless house cat planned to foolishly demolish prey bigger than herself. “Why didn’t you call me?” he asked. 

     Ellie squinted her left eye. She could feel her grip tightening against her phone so hard she thought she might break it. No acknowledgement of his fault in the matter made her head tremble. Rather than offering any sympathy, of course, he shifted the blame onto her. 

Ellie opened her mouth, then closed it again. She did not understand why, but she felt trapped in her own emotions, frustrations. She was so upset, but then again, she should have called. She should have told him she had dinner waiting for him. Why did she just curl up into a ball on the sofa, and why did she shut down? Ellie deduced Jack did not mean to hurt her, but she felt neglected nonetheless. 

     “I guess I don’t know, Jack,” she replied. “I didn’t realize you’d be out so late. It’s fine.” Instead of trying to articulate her perspective with Jack, Ellie decided to escape inward on herself. This scary feeling would leave at some point, later. 

     “Are you upset?” Jack asked.
     “No.” Ellie got up to clear the dining table. “How was dinner?” she asked, blowing out the candles. “What friend did you guys run into?” 

      Jack attempted to kiss Ellie, but she dodged his touch by gathering up the silverware and returning it to the kitchen island. 

     “What’s wrong?” he asked her. 

     “Nothing’s wrong. What friend did you guys run into?” 

     “We ran into an old family friend, Ashton.” 

     Ellie whipped around. In that moment she would have liked to be nonchalant, but her instincts betrayed her. When Jack told her they were meeting up with a family friend, she thought he meant a friend the same age as his seventy-year-old mother. “I thought you said it was your mom’s friend over text,” she charged. 

     “Well, she kind of is. I didn’t want you to worry.” 

     Ellie looked down at the floor, evaluating things. Why wouldn’t he just say her name right away in the text? Ashton and Jack went to high school and college together. Their families had been friends for a long time. “Great,” she thought, “this makes me feel so much better.” She shook her head. “But… what? I’m confused. Was her whole family there or something?” 

     Jack stepped closer to her. “Well her mom was, and that’s why we had to grab dinner.” 

     “You had to,” Ellie mocked. “Couldn’t Ashton and her mom have taken Jenny home?” 

     “I didn’t want to put that on them, and my mom wanted me to stay,” Jack wrapped his arms around Ellie. “Babe, you know you were invited. I should have made that clear though.” 

Ellie blinked rapidly. Her heart raced, but she could not explain why. She had an ill feeling in her stomach that made her not want to eat for days. In fact, she hadn’t eaten dinner tonight, but no appetite stimulated her. In fact, she felt terribly sober now, which was odd because she did not feel great piss drunk either. 

     Ellie knew her therapist would have told her to practice reassuring thoughts during times of uncertainty such as this one: Jack loves me. He’s marrying me. He’s honest. He’s only proved himself to be honest. Yet, her stomach still did not settle. 

     “I think I want to go to bed now. I’ll clean up in the morning,” Ellie said. She turned her head down towards their feet. 

     “El, look at me.” Jack turned her face up in his hands. “I promise there was nothing to worry about. She’s just an old friend.” 

     Ellie looked into his greyish, dim eyes, but she did not search for anything there. He had lost her now. Her brain hurt from trying to figure out what she should say and what she had the right to feel. Did he not understand that his mother “joked” about him and Ashton getting married some day? She repeated on a loop in her mind the few times Jenny mentioned how great a couple Ashton and      Jack would have been together. Her expression turned lifeless. She looked like a robot powering down. 

     Jack put his forehead on hers. “Please, El. Can we just talk about this?” 

     Ellie pulled away from him. “Jack, I just want to go to bed.” 

     Through the closed door of their bedroom, Ellie heard the clanking of candle sticks and glass tupperware. She recollected the soft “shwoop” of the fridge closing. Ellie pulled the covers over her and curled up onto her side. She tucked the comforter beneath her chin. The first miscommunication she could understand, but why wouldn’t he tell her who he was having dinner with? 

     So many questions ran through Ellie’s mind that she did not know which way was up and which was down. She hated trying to figure out who was wrong and who was right in an argument. Was she crazy to be upset? He said there was nothing to worry about. Then again, many men had told her that same exact thing before and it ended up being a lie. Jack was different though, right? A flood of emotions hit her, and her thoughts became completely paralyzed. 

     Then, Jack came into the dark room. Ellie shut her eyes tight so he wouldn’t talk to her. She didn’t want to associate with him. Yet, she longed for him to repent by holding her, kissing her, insisting that they don’t go to bed angry with each other. Warm light shone through her closed eyes. Jack was in the bathroom. Ellie turned over, and the blissful cloudiness in her head from drinking too much wine hours before rocked her fast to sleep. 

 

     Ellie’s head pounded the next morning when she woke up. Rising from the bed, she moaned and ran a hand through her tangled hair. She turned to see Jack’s side of the bed empty, with wrinkled sheets folded away from the edge of the bed. 

     That’s when she heard two familiar voices in the next room. She inched out of the covers, made her way to the bathroom, and washed her face. At this point the recollection of yesterday’s events crept into her head. The delightful ignorant wake after a good night’s slumber, sponsored by a highly concentrated sulfite wine, vanished. Now she needed to figure out what to do. She needed coffee…and an Advil or two. 

     Part of her didn’t care after her mental shut down. No. She did care. She needed to tell him she felt uncomfortable with her fiance having dinner with another woman, even if their mothers were present. She pulled on an oversized maroon sweater and swapped her shorts for some leggings. With company over, she couldn’t just wear her pajamas to get water from the kitchen. 

     “Dude, I ended you.” 

     “No you didn’t dude I totally had you.” 

     The first voice belonged to Jack’s friend. Ellie came out of the little hallway to see the two boys sitting hunched over on the sofa, staring intently at the t.v. screen. They clutched their controllers strategically in their hands. 

     “Good morning,” Ellie said, walking around the island table into the kitchen. 

     Jack must have died in the game because he made a disapproving “tsk” sound and dropped his controller on the couch. Alec kept playing. 

     “Morning Ellie,” he said, giving her a two-finger salute. 

     Ellie had never seen Alec with hair longer than a toothpick because he kept it buzzed. It gave him an edgy, tough look. She considered for a moment that she did not actually know his true color of hair since he never let it grow out. Both boys were dressed in athletic clothes. “They probably just got back from their run,” thought Ellie.

     On the counter she noticed a coffee and some daisies wrapped in brown tissue paper. 

     “Jack, what the hell?” Alec said. 

     “I need to pause it real quick,” Jack replied, getting up from the couch. 

     Ellie could feel Jack coming up from behind her. “Do you like them?” he asked. “I got them after our morning jog.” 

     “Jack, this is so nice,” she responded, and she really meant it. She made a pleading face as though she could cry from the small gift. 

     “Did you see the note?” Jack asked, kissing her head.

     On a little notecard she saw, “El, I’m sorry we fought. I’d like to make it up to you.”   

     She took the still warm cup in her hand. “Thank you Jack. This is really sweet.” 

     “I’d like to take you to dinner too. We could go to that nice bar you like. Tonight.” he whispered, somewhat conscious of Alec a few feet away from them. 

     Ellie nodded. “That sounds great.”

     She gave him a little peck. He had never apologized in this way, but Ellie did like it. His remediation did get himself out of an argument this morning. She bent down to smell the daisies. “Does it fix it?” she asked herself. Deep down she knew it would only be a matter of time until something else upset the equilibrium of their house. Would this add to her relationship anxiety? Absolutely. But damn, this latte was delicious afterall.  

     After Ellie found a vase for the flowers and took a few pictures of the pretty orange and white display, she joined the boys in the living room. She slid into the spot next to Jack on the couch with her knees up and the latte in one hand. They still hadn’t started another game since Jack got up. Both boys scrolled on their phones. 

     “We could watch a show instead,” Jack said. 

     “Nah it’s okay. I gotta get going anyway,” Alec replied, not moving an inch from his relaxed state on the recliner. “Did you hear Ashton’s back in town?” 

     Ellie caught Jack’s quick glance at her out of the corner of her eye. In a way she wanted to laugh actually. It was all very ironic, like an inside joke Alec should be part of. 

     Jack cleared his throat. “I actually ran into her yesterday. We had dinner with her and her mom.” 

     “You two did?” Alec asked, with a smirk that seemed a bit suspicious to Ellie. 

     “Uh, no. My mom and I… you know my mom.” 

     “Oh I know Jenny.” Alec giggled. “I’m just kidding. Hey, remember when we used to call her biscuit in college?” 

     “Yeah, I do,” Jack smiled faintly. “I don’t think she liked that too much.” 

     “Well obviously not dude. It was funny as hell though.” 

     “Cute,” Ellie thought. “They called each other nicknames.” 

     Ellie looked back down at her phone and her reflection on the black screen. From their perspective it looked as though she was scrolling on Instagram. She kept her head down and continued listening. She wondered if they even remembered she was there at all. 

     “We did so many stupid things in college,” Alec spoke up again.

     “She was so funny. Her mom ran that clothing store downtown. I think she’s taking it over,” Jack said. A smile played on his lips. 

     “That’d make sense why she’s back in town.” 

     Ellie looked at her fiance. His grey eyes brightened and widened. He went on, “She’s been traveling a lot I guess. She just got back from like everywhere in Europe.” 

     “So original,” crooned Ellie. Neither of them heard. She repositioned herself on the couch.

     Jack ran a hand through his hair. His roots were still damp with sweat. His face lit up. He continued, “She went to college for communications I think.” 

     “Yeah, I was there.” 

     This remark somewhat checked Jack, and Ellie noticed the smile fade from his face. 

     “Damn!” Alec said, turning his phone towards Jack. “I didn’t know she was hot now.” 

     Ellie tapped a finger to her lips. “I have to look this bitch up now,” she thought. She carefully noted that Jack had the good enough sense to not respond to Alec’s comment. But what would he have said if she was not in the room? 

     Her stomach sank the moment she viewed Ashton’s Instagram profile. She agreed with Alec. Ashton was not only beautiful, she was hot. She didn’t look real in her photos from the Amalfi Coast and Ibiza, but the photos did not look edited either. Ellie told herself they had to be photoshopped, or maybe she did not want to eat today, or ever again. 

     Ellie could not help but think of how opposite she looked compared to Ashton. Her features totally contrasted Ashton’s blue eyes and platinum blonde, perfectly styled hair. She looked like a Barbie doll with the right amount of filler and botox. Ellie’s eyelid twitched with envy at the exposition of conventional beauty in her photos. 

     “None of it’s real,” she thought, zooming in on Ashton’s chest. Ellie really wanted implants. Jack kept telling her no, but… she searched for his name in the likes on the bikini post. Ellie’s shoulders relaxed. His name didn’t pop up. 

     Ellie hadn’t realized Alec’s tall figure stood before her until she saw a thick hand waving in front of her face. 

     “Ellllieee, yoo-hoo,” he said. 

     “Oh,” she shook her head. “Sorry.” 

     “I just wanted to say I’m heading out. Nice to see you.” 

     “Thanks for coming over,” she replied with a soft smile. “Nice to see you too.” 

     “I’ll let you out,” said Jack, and he got up to walk with Alec to the door.

     Ellie stayed seated on the couch. She couldn’t help but think about Jack’s smile and rambles in relation to Ashton. Ellie mulled it over. “Ashton’s just his friend,” she told herself. Plus, he brought her flowers and a latte as an apology. Ellie knew Jack was a good guy, and she knew she should feel secure in her relationship. 

     However, what if he got her a small peace offering because he understood his absence yesterday really was that bad? Did he realize he was in a lot of trouble? “No,” Ellie told herself. “That’s ridiculous.” … But why did he smile so much when he spoke about Ashton? She kept thinking. Does he smile that wide when he talks about her to his friends? 

     Ellie rubbed her temples. “I have not worked this hard in therapy just to self-sabotage my happiness." A part of Ellie felt queasy, betrayed, but she swallowed the nausea down with a sip of her apology latte. 

     “I don’t know. I just feel like I’m going crazy.” Ellie gave the binoculars to Willow. They sat in her friend’s silver Honda sedan across from a brick building. The coffee shop painted over the reddish-brown bricks with white, and black lettering bolded the name titled “SILKY.” 

     Willow turned toward Ellie with the binoculars still on. “Damn,” she said, “What do you use for your skin? I can’t even see a single pore this close up.” 

     Ellie tugged weakly on the binoculars. “Ha-ha. Very funny.” 

Her friend lowered them, and her black eyes playfully stared back at her. “Well we are in my car stalking this woman you met a few nights ago.” 

     “… I am insane.” Ellie put her head in her palms, and her dark curls fell over her shoulders. 

     “Hey, don’t worry. I’d ride or die for you. You know that? Here, I’ll keep a look out.” Willow turned back to the window and placed the binoculars over her eyes once more. 

     Ellie bit down on a fingernail. If Jack found out, he’d flip. She just needed to know if something was going down between the two of them. She wasn’t crazy. She just needed to investigate. She needed closure.

     “A normal person would have confronted him about it,” Willow said. The fog from her voice clouded up the window she was looking through. “Or, you could have looked through his phone while he was asleep. That’s what I always do.” 

     “I did look through his phone. I didn’t find anything,” Ellie replied. For some reason she felt her cheeks flush like a small child that got caught for doing something wrong. 

     Willow dropped the binoculars again. She brushed her inky, straight hair away from her shoulder.“El, seriously?” Willow raised her eyebrows. “I think you’re overthinking.” 

     Ellie rubbed her forehead. “I don’t know Willow. You didn’t see the way they spoke to each other when we were at dinner. Jack never looks at me the way he looked at Ashton. And I was right beside him!” 

     “Well, were they flirting?” 

     “I mean, kind of… I don’t know. I just have this sick feeling in my stomach that I’m not what he wants anymore.” 

     “Jack’s a good guy, El, and that means a lot coming from me because I never compliment men.” 

     “No, I know.” Ellie hugged her arms and scooted her feet up so her knees nearly touched her chest. “That’s the thing. He’s a great guy. I just feel this intuition that in his mind he wants her, thinks about her all the time, but can’t bring himself to be with her. That’s honestly worse, Willow. I’d rather him just be with her. If we do catch them together, I think I’d feel a lot better because it would be over. I could give myself some closure. Not knowing…” she bit down so hard on her nail that it started bleeding. “Damnit,” she said. 

     “El, that’s speculation. That’s not healthy.” Willow reached over to touch her friend’s arm. “I think you should talk to him about it. You need to talk to him about it. He can give you closure.” 

Ellie nodded without looking at her friend. She replayed the moments at the restaurant over and over again in her mind, overanalysing them just to play out every possible scenario in her head. Jack beamed when he recognized Ashton. “What are the odds?” She thought. 

     She snapped back to the present. “Do you believe women should trust their intuition though?” 

Willow shrugged once more. “I mean, sometimes it can be good I guess. It’s hard to draw the line.” 

Ellie bit the inside of her cheek. Was she speculating too much? She thought back to their date night. The two barely even acknowledged her during their brief run-in with each other. She shook her head. 

     “Do you see anything?” she asked. 

     “Nope. She’s still clicking away on her computer in the window. She’s so petite. I wonder what she does for workouts. Do you think she does pilates? She probably does huh.” 

     “Okay,” Ellie relented, “Want to go get something to eat?” 

     “Wait,” Willow straightened in her seat. “Jack’s walking into the coffee shop.” 

     Sure enough, Jack’s lean frame opened the coffee shop’s door and stepped inside. Ellie felt her heart beating faster in her chest and her mouth dried up. She choked out, “May, maybe it’s another coincidence.” 

     She immediately regretted saying this, like her words automatically cursed their next interaction, because Jack went right over to Ashton in the window. They hugged, and planted a kiss on each of the opposite’s cheeks. Jack pulled up a chair next to her, so close he could probably smell the perfume on her icy blonde hair. 

     “I think I’m going to throw up,” Ellie remarked. 

     “Did Jack tell you he was getting coffee this morning?” 

     “No, he said he had to go into the office for a bit.” 

     Willow turned to her friend. Her gaze flicked up and down. “You’re chewing your nails to bits, El. Stop it. Don’t you see they’re bleeding?” 

     “We have been dating for four years, Willow! Sorry if I’m a bit anxious.”  

     “Ellie, they're both looking at the computer. They didn’t kiss on the lips. For all you know they are working together on some project. It could be something for you!” 

     “I don’t think I have ever kissed my friends per greetings, Willow, AND lied about where I was going to my fiance!” 

     Willow pulled her lips to the side. Silence fell between the two friends. “You’re right. I’m sorry. It does look pretty bad.”  

     “I just feel like I’ve been going crazy for so long, and I don’t want to feel judged or gaslit by you either. I’m not crazy.” Ellie emphasized the last two words, even though she had never questioned her sanity more. 

     Willow blew air through her closed mouth. “You’re not crazy. Also, I am way more of a psycho than you.” 

     Ellie rolled her tear-brimmed eyes and half-smiled, half-laughed at her friend.  

     “I’d confront him, Ellie. It’s better to know now than when you’re walking down the aisle.” 

     “Even if he was planning something for me, he shouldn’t lie about where he is.” 

     Willow nodded. “I agree.” 

     Ellie shook her head. “I know I shouldn’t, but I just hate her so much. I hate myself even more though.” 

     “El, that’s not…” Willow started. 

     “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” Ellie’s cheeks reddened. What was wrong with her? 

     An indignation she did not even know she had rose up inside of her. Ellie didn’t realize she could feel this angry at a person. If that was what he wanted, she’d transform herself. The thought disgusted her, but why should she lose everything perfect to her? They were fine before Ashton came along. Their happiness crackled and blazed like a strong fire. Now, because of her, it was suffocating. 

     “This doesn’t prove he cheated, El,” Willow breathed out. 

     Ellie stared at them laughing in the window. They seriously looked good together. Jack looked happy. “No,” she thought, “only that my intuition was right all along.” 

    

     Ellie never spoke to Jack about what she saw in the cafe window two months prior. Rather, she transfigured into a different woman, separating herself from the person she had once been, waiting for the right time to pounce on him. She still taught during the day, like today, but her mind escaped elsewhere into the recesses of her self-inflicted pity. She sat at her desk in the front of the classroom, twisting her engagement ring up and down her finger. 

     She always included movie adaptations of the novels, epics, or plays they read in class after a unit. The light from the changing scenes flickered over her contemplative, stony countenance. Three times. She had seen Ashton three times since the incident: once at a grocery store; once at the gas station out of all places; once at the French bakery on the corner. Each encounter made her feel insignificant. Ellie thought back to the first time they met. After Jack and Ashton exchanged affectionate cordialities to each other, they both looked down at her still seated at the table. She wanted to ask, “What about me? Did you guys forget me down here?”

     “Ashton, this is my fiance…” Jack started. 

     “Oh, the teacher.” She said it like it was an insult. Ashton extended her hand. Ellie had never felt such a mixture of hatred at someone else and disappointment in her lack of accomplishments before. She loathed the feeling, and she would make it right. 

     “Miss Hastings, the movie’s over.” 

     Ellie wrung her hands and looked up at her class. The flashback felt like she woke up from a terrible dream. “Right,” she announced, getting up from her rolling chair. Ellie turned off the projector with a remote and stood in front of four rows of desks. 

     “Does anyone feel bad for Othello?” she asked. 

     The students glanced at one another until one brave girl with freckles spoke up, “I mean, he didn’t believe his wife. He listened to everything Iago said. Why wouldn’t he just ask his wife if she was cheating? So no, I don’t feel bad for him.”

     “Ah,” she took one step closer to the girl, “But you forget.” Ellie positioned her fingers into air quotes: “Iago poisoned the well.” She dropped her arms by her side once more. “Even if he spoke with Desdemona, Othello believed she would deny the truth to save herself.”  

     A boy in a basketball jersey chimed in, “So you’re saying he’s the victim? Bro just killed his wife and himself, Miss H.” 

     The students chuckled at that. Ellie smiled too. “We all know Iago’s the villain here,” she reminded them. “But is gullibility a sin? A crime? Who has more responsibility for Desdemona’s death: Iago or Othello? Iago manipulated, controlled Othello’s emotions.” 

     Ellie saw the student with freckles shake her head. She opened her mouth to say something, but at that instant the bell rang, signaling the end of the day. 

     “Please bring your copy of Othello on Monday. You guys will have time to work on your papers in class. Have a nice weekend!” she shouted over the chairs scraping against the floor and backpacks jostling around the room. 

     After all of the students left, Ellie returned to her desk to pack up her things. She did not have the time nor energy for a second workout even though this had become her new routine. “I just cannot wait to be home,” she sighed. She swung her bag around her shoulder, and headed for the door. Upon shutting off the lights and locking her room, she ran into the history teacher in the hallway. 

     “Holy shi…!” Ellie put her hand over her racing heart. “You scared me.”

     He passed just as quickly as he bumped into her. “Have a good weekend, Ellie. Oh, your hair isn’t brown anymore. It looks nice.” 

     “I thought I’d try something out,” she replied. “You have a good weekend too, Mike.”   

     “Men are so simple,” she thought. The hairdresser attempted to dissuade her from bleaching her head saying, “This tone of brunette is something other women would die for.” Ellie simply told her: “Just do it already.” 

     There was no going back now. If Ashton’s features were what Jack truly wanted, she could change her look. The canker worm of jealousy still munched at the back of her mind like it was a tasty log. “I know something is going on,” she told herself. “But I want solid evidence.” 

     Back at their apartment, Ellie noticed Jack’s sneakers by the entryway. “Honey?” she called out, peaking around the living room and kitchen. 

     She heard a muffled, “In here!” just before Jack came out of their bedroom in sweat pants. His hair was wet from a shower, and he pulled a black, long sleeve shirt over his head. Ellie bit her bottom lip at the sight of his muscles, and she swore to herself even harder – “I’m not going to let anyone take him from me.” 

     An ugly thought tore through Ellie. Why did he shower after coming home from work? Why was he home early? She wanted to go search their hamper for the button up he was wearing earlier today, to smell it, and to make sure no woman’s – Ashton’s –  perfume could be scented. But that would be imprudent. She wouldn’t be able to do it without Jack seeing her sniff his clothes, and she couldn’t have that happen. 

     Pulling off her trench coat, Ellie asked him, “Why are you home so early?” 

     He kissed her on the forehead before heading to the fridge. “I got all my work done so my boss let me go early and I thought,” he shrugged, “why not?” 

     “There’s always work for him to do,” Ellie thought. “At least, he's mentioned that before.”

     “Plus I thought it would be fun to spend some extra time together.” He looked over his shoulder at her. He raised an eyebrow, “We could order in.”

     Music to her ears. “Why was he being so nice to her?” She wondered. She watched him pull a beer out of the top shelf. “We could watch a scary movie,” he suggested. His eyes searched around the kitchen space.

     “The bottle opener is in the top drawer,” she motioned with her head. “Over there.”  

     He nodded like he should have known that. “What would I do without you?” 

     Ellie now stood over the kitchen island with her forearms resting on the tabletop. Consequently, Jack’s phone sat right across from her. 

     “I’m going to grab my wallet from the room. Try to think of where you want to get takeout from, K?” He kissed her on the side of her temple when he passed by. 

     She nearly broke her neck looking after him. Once he was gone, Ellie snatched his phone. She didn’t have much time. How many times did she check his phone behind his back? Plenty, yet she never found what she was looking for. Today must have been her lucky day. A text from Ashton popped up on his home screen: “I am home all day tomorrow if you’re able to get away and come over. We can talk more about precautions so Ellie doesn’t find out!”  

     Ellie covered her mouth with her hand. What more evidence did she need? A second “ding” sounded. Another notification popped up. Ashton: “My new address ;) 702 2nd Ave. W.” 

“Holy shit,” Ellie whispered. She opened the message. She tried to scroll up to see what else they wrote to each other. Nothing. Of course she never found anything. “He must delete their conversations every time they contact each other.” 

     “El,” sounded from the next room. “Have you seen my pants? I can’t find them.” 

Ellie cleared her throat. She rolled her eyes. “No, Jack, I haven’t seen them.” Her head swayed a little with the realization of what this all meant. The man whom she loved, trusted, and cherished… betrayed her. What a piece of – 

     No. “I’ll fix it,” Ellie convinced herself. “None of this would have happened if she wasn’t in the picture. He’s mine. I love him. He’s mine!” 

     “El–!” Then his voice filled with concern: “What’s wrong?” Jack stood in the hallway. He must have noticed her heavy breathing. “Are you ok–?” 

     “I know, Jack.” she said, and her shoulders sank. 

     She felt eerily calm, like a tiger the second before it began its chase. “I saw you with her at the coffee shop. She just texted you now. I know.”  

     “Who?” 

     Ellie threw her hands up. “Ashton!” Jack flinched. Ellie checked herself. “I never thought it would be you.” 

     “El, no. This isn’t what you think.” He attempted to grab her arm. 

     Ellie swatted his hand away. “Don’t touch me!” she screamed. 

     “Whoa, Ellie, please. I swear I am not lying babe. This is your past trauma coming back to you. It’s not me. Remember what your therapist told you?” 

     His overly gentle voice grated her nerves and sent her over the edge. She was not a child or a patient in a psych ward. “I will not feel crazy again!” she lunged forward at him, pointing her finger.      “I am not crazy! Of course you would deny it, Jack. Wouldn’t you?” She stared at him for a moment, tears filling her eyes. She struggled to find the right words, but a sliver of the truth tumbled out: “I don’t feel okay in this relationship.”  

     She sensed him following her to the entryway. “Ellie,” he implored, “I swear to God I would never hurt you. I can explain every–” 

     But her vision turned red, and she could hardly hear Jack’s pleas over the ringing in her ears. Ellie shrugged on her trench coat. She stumbled while pulling on her matching, knee-high boots, but she caught herself. She turned to open the door. 

     “Why were you even reading my texts anyway? I knew you didn’t trust me.” 

     Ellie could feel her body fumble, like her physique wanted to lie on the floor and not get up. She wanted to melt into it. Was it her fault for not trusting her?  

     She shook her head. “You do not get to dictate how I feel any longer. Why did I read your texts? You shouldn’t have anything on there to hide from me anyway. Why don’t I trust you? I don’t know, Jack. Maybe because you have been lying to me for the past couple of months. I will not carry your faults around for you anymore. I am not embarrassed. I will not feel guilty for your actions any longer.” 

     She seemed to grow two inches taller after her confession. Ellie’s eyelid twitched. She glared with disgust and longing at her fiance. 

     “Where are you going?” he asked weakly. 

     “For a walk,” she responded and slammed the door in his face.

 

     The frosty air nipped her cheeks while she searched for 2nd Avenue. She had been walking for a while. Her breath turned visible with every huff, huff, huff that echoed in unison with every step she took. Dusk was stretching out its arms over the city in a final yawn before descending into bed. “Shit,” she thought, scanning the streets scattered with adults. There were more people out than she was comfortable with. 

     She walked by a restaurant and shielded her face from any security cameras by looking into the street. “I should have worn a hat,” she told herself. She somehow did not notice her freezing toes or legs. She did not even think about the snow flakes dropping around her head, on her shoulders, above her eyelashes. She only wished she would have changed out of the black dress she wore to work hours earlier. The material rubbed uncomfortably against her arms. “On the bright side,” she thought, “at least it’s black too.” 

     The loud chatter and music of the restaurants and bars died down once she got to Ashton’s pristine neighborhood. The neighborhood symbolized for her everything she despised because she never had privilege growing up: tree boughs bending over the road, snow gently cascading down on the townhomes, the warm glow from the streetlamps. “The city will probably come straight away in the morning and remove all the snow,” Ellie laughed. 

     “702, 702,” Ellie shivered, searching for those numbers on each home until she found them on a brick townhome with a black door. She stared up at it. How would she get in? She would go up to Ashton’s door, acting like somebody else. “Again, why didn’t I bring a hat, wear a hoodie? She’ll recognize me right away.” What was she doing here anyway? Something told her, “Turn around. Don’t do it,” but she ascended the stairs, one foot in front of the other. 

     POUND! POUND! POUND!

     Ellie swore. What if Ashton wasn’t alone? She had to be alone, or else she’d cover for herself – somehow. She set her fate by knocking, and she could not escape it now. “Oh my gosh, Ashton! I didn’t know you lived around here. I lost my phone. Can I use yours to call Jack?” She played around with the excuses in her head. Ellie tried to take deep breaths, but her heart kept beating faster and faster. Her pulse pounded like a war drum.  

     She heard footsteps behind the door. The lock turned, and Ashton’s bright, spotless smile greeted her, but her smile faltered once she saw her.

     She smirked. “Was she expecting him?” 

     “Ellie, what are you…?” 

     “Ashton?” Ellie’s mouth dropped open. “Thank God this is your place! Can I come in?” She intentionally rubbed her arms to seem as though she was freezing.

     Ashton crinkled her brows. “Uh-um, how do you know where I live? 

     “Oh, Jack said you lived around here. I was out with friends getting some drinks – he’s on his way to get me – I just needed a place to wait if you don’t mind. The restaurant kicked us out since it was too crowded.” 

     Ashton bit her lip, then nodded. “Sure, come in.” 

     Ellie entered and took in the space. Ashton had taste, she’d give her that. She would have been taken away by the contemporary paintings of shapes on the tawny walls; the lit stone fireplace heating up the living room to the right of the foyer; or the leather sofa directly across from the mantelpiece had she not remembered Jack was supposed to visit this same building tomorrow morning. 

     Ellie creeped into the cozy, well-furnished living room just as Ashton came around the corner with an iPhone in her hand. She gasped, “Holy shit…” Ashton clutched her chest with one hand. “I don’t have anything from Jack. You said he’s on his way?”

     Ellie regarded the soft pink pajamas she wore. Her hair was tied back in a long braid with a big, oversized headband resting on top of her head. “Maybe,” Ellie thought, “I should walk out the door.”

     “El,” Ashton said, “I think I’ll call him if that’s okay. It would make me feel better.” 

     She swallowed her anger. “Maybe I shouldn’t.” Ellie reached over and took the phone from her hands. Ashton relinquished it without a struggle. “Ashton,” Ellie watched her face turn as white as the snow outside. “I need to talk to you.” 

     Ashton gulped. “I didn’t, I didn’t do anything wrong…”

     “Yes, you did.” Ellie did not recognize her grave, calm tone; a total contrast to the thumping in her head. “Sit on the sofa there.” She pointed to the long, leather sofa. Ashton obeyed. She lowered herself onto the couch, watching Ellie. 

     “I know you are sleeping with my fiance,” she told her. For the second time that night, Ellie found herself able to find the exact words she wanted to say. Enlivened, she paced back and forth in front of the mantlepiece. Flames warmed her back so that she felt uncomfortably hot. 

     “Ellie?” Ashton asked, gazing up to meet her eyes. 

     Ellie stared back at her, and from this angle Ashton seemed helpless and small. It concerned her how much satisfaction she got out of seeing Ashton so horrified that her botox couldn’t even hide the worry around her eyes and forehead. 

     “What you think you know…it’s not true,” she tried to tell her. 

     Ellie threw her hands up. “Everyone keeps saying that! But you know what, Ashton? I’ve never received an explanation. I’ve never received peace or consolation. I’ve never been given an ounce of relief that I can trust him, that I can trust you.” 

     Ellie turned away from her, just for a moment. Her skin could practically melt off of her now she was so warm. “Fuck, I need to calm down,” Ellie thought, but this room could have been a furnace. She longed to go back out in the cold. A large t.v. hung above the mantelpiece. Photos from Ashton’s travels decorated the top shelf. Yet, a white marble bust caught her attention. Ellie grazed the little sculpture with her fingers.

     Behind Ellie, Ashton continued to talk. “El, I never touched Jack. He’s like a brother to me. El, what are you doing?” 

     Ellie wrapped her hand around the statue’s neck. “Don’t call me El,” she whispered. Blood pulsed in her ears now. 

     “What did you say?” Ashton asked, worry made her voice tremble. “Look, we can call Jack. We can both sit down and talk about this. It’s all a misunderstanding. I totally get why you’d be confused. We were planning something for you…” 

     Ellie could feel her rage quickening with every breath. If she did not do it now, she knew she never would. There was no going back. She had already broken into her house – kind of. Ashton would press charges, and she had to follow through with her intentions. 

     Floorboards creaked behind her, and Ellie whirled around. Her eyes widened as Ashton hurled towards her. Without a thought she swung the sculpture in her hand, and whacked Ashton on the side of her head. The force knocked Ashton to the floor. Blood dripped down the side of her forehead and pooled around her face. It stained her beautiful, bleach blonde hair pink. Ashton blinked, her eyes reflecting the shock she must have felt in her heart.

     “You can’t have him!” Ellie yelled down at her. 

     Ashton tried her best to shake her head but groaned. She spoke the action with her cries of pain.      “El,” she pleaded, “You’ve lost your mind. I never hurt you. Help me, please.” She whimpered, “ple-e-ease.” 

     Ellie scoffed. “You’re lying. You’d say anything to get out of your situation. You attacked me. Why would you come at me if you were innocent?” 

     “Help me,” she raised a hand towards her. 

     She looked at the floorboards, not wanting to consider all she had claimed. When Ellie shook her head, Ashton continued: “You’re crazy,” she whimpered, “you’re so insa-a-a-a…” 

     Ellie swung the statue down on her once more. “I don’t like it when people call me that,” she said as though Ashton could still hear her. 

     Ellie stepped back from the body. She covered her mouth. The weight of her actions hit her with a sour realization. “I needed to stop it,” she told herself, “she was lying to me.” She would not allow herself to think of the alternative, knowing what she did could now not be undone. 

     She took a deep breath and counted to ten. “She attacked me. I defended myself. Who knows if she would have attacked me again?” Her heartbeat finally stabilized. She needed to figure out how to escape, how to make this all disappear without any consequences. Ellie looked down at the body, then to the fireplace. She fed it a couple more logs and turned the gas up until the flames licked the outside of its base. Then, she hid the statue inside of her coat. She could not leave out the front door. She needed to find another exit. There, behind the kitchen, she spotted another door. Ellie turned on each burner on the stovetop while she made her way across the kitchen. She did not know why she did this, but she thought it would make the incident more likely to be reported as a gas leak. Then, she turned around and ran out the back door, a blur of black creeping along the alleys and underneath the street lights.

 

     The whole community mourned Ashton’s loss. They asked, “How could something so awful happen to such a good person?” Various statements such as, “I just can’t believe she’s gone,” littered the town for the rest of the month, the second month, and a few more after that. Ellie knew Jack would be torn up about Ashton’s death. She held him in her arms when he lay slumped on the couch, full of melancholy for his dead friend. 

     “Why don’t we take a vacation before our wedding,” she suggested, “we can go far away.” He nodded in agreement. 

     So they boarded a plane to Chile, where they planned to stay at a resort nestled along the Andes. The trip was not for Jack. Ellie actually wanted to leave the country just in case they started to investigate Ashton’s death. To her relief, she got lucky. The police discovered a broken gas line close to Ashton’s townhome, and they had no reason to intuit anything further. They attributed the blunt force to Ashton’s head from her falling when rushing to get out of the home. 

Ellie could not believe her mood was as weightless as the clouds outside of the plane. She smiled over at Jack. He was holding her hand. He would not let go of her nowadays; he was attached to her always. 

     A stewardess in her mid-thirties with red lipstick wheeled a drink cart next to their seats. “Any beverages? Snacks?” She winked at Jack. 

     “No, thank you,” Ellie said. Her eyes interrogated the lady. 

     Jack leaned over her. “Do you have to pay for liquor on flights?” 

     “Usually, yes,” the stewardess replied, “but for you, I’ll comp it.” 

     Ellie’s eyebrows shot to her forehead. She clutched both arm rests. 

     “One whiskey on the rocks,” she told him, setting the drink down on his tray table. It took everything in Ellie not to slap the drink out of the stewardess’ hands and throw it back at her. 

     “Wow, thanks,” Jack said, beaming up at the woman. 

     The stewardess nodded, and Ellie heard the cart slowly roll away down the aisle. 

     “Can you believe that?” Jack asked. “That stewardess was so kind.” 

     Ellie feigned her happiness. She smiled through her frustration. “So nice,” she said through her teeth.  

     Ellie looked towards the back of the cabin. The stewardess nearly completed her services. She unzipped her backpack stowed underneath the seat in front of her and took out what looked like a travel size bottle of mouthwash. “I’ll be right back,” Ellie said, then added, “I need to freshen up before we land.” 

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The End 

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